Sunday, November 9, 2008
a mess cannot show much.. doesnt tell people how well their lives has been.. because it hasnt been well.. a mess cant say that life has been good.. cuz it hasnt..
have been confused by your actions.. false hope seems so real..
mess.. everything is a mess.. trying to survive through the last 7 academic weeks of school which really sux.. no motivation to go school at all.. what has become of me?...
what is wrong with me..
what is happening to me..
why am i turning this way...
ahhhh! sometimes i feel like just sulking and crying.. but apparently it doesnt work this way on earth.. the stronger you appear to be.. the more attention you will get..
the weaker and lousier you are.. the more chance that you will be put aside..
i find myself saying people 'lousy' ... but i know for a fact.. it is that i am saying myself.. over and over again.. the pressure rises.. standards are getting higher.. i'm getting weaker..
thinking that i can do it.. is no longer what i can cling on to..
thinking that i can do it with God's strength.. has been something i have started to doubt it..
it is never easy pretending you dun care about those smug comments..
it is never easy pretending you dun care about what they are saying about you..
as the pressure rises.. its not easy keeping up...
wordly thoughts starting to creep into my head..
it hurts.. emotionally.. mentally.. now.. physically..
emotions that manifest themselves in physical state.. tends to tell me.. that even my body cannot take it any more... im tired of everything..
everything.. trying to keep up to the standards of my leaders.. in my different ministries.. trying to be that example that the people under me, can follow...
how long can i take it.. not much longer... when will i finally collaspe..
when it be when i collaspe that i will realise i need God..
will that day be tragically wrong..
how much of the pain can i take.. how much till i finally break..
people has always see me as 'happy-go-lucky'..
how much longer can they see me this way..
i admit.. the pain when i see it happening over and over again in front of me week after week just increase..
saturdays... sunday... the pain doubles.. triples.. how much longer can i take..
who will notice the pain..
how much longer does God has to break me in order to allow me to realise all i need is Him...
i havent overcome it yet.. i havent succeeded yet.. but the pain is not letting me succeed..
the complexity of this issue is mininal.. but why havent i made the correct choice..
why is letting him go so difficult..
why is not liking him so difficult..
why cant i tell myself its over.. time to move on.. there are greater things for me to settle..
why...
i hate myself for falling for him since the day i met him..
i hate myself even more.. since the day i knew it was over..
why is the pain increasing and tagging behind me...
i wana let go.. is it so difficult.. can someone teach me the correct and sure-work method to forget someone.. cuz i am desperate to get over this...
violetjoy signing off~
7:45 PM
