Sunday, August 31, 2008
i thought i could handle the pain, the hurt...
but argh! im struggling so much with it..
tears just flow uncontrollably.. why?...
why cant i hold it?... i want to be strong..
can i be strong?...
i guess i cant without Him...
the hurt lingers everyday.. it is like history repeating itself..
how many times did i remind myself, not to walk back this path..
but i still ended up walking on it..
this time.. i dunno how long i would take..
how long would it take this time?...
i would not know...
violetjoy signing off~
12:25 AM
Saturday, August 23, 2008
If there is one lesson i can take away from this trip.. i can sum it up in a sentence..
The beauty of not knowing the next step is that we rely on God so much more...
I didn't know what to expect when He brought me here... but that's the beauty of it.. I didn't have to worry so much so what to do.. i just needed to depend on Him and the rest He would take care of it..
more reliance on God was my prayer request for a few months now.. and finally in this trip, God showed me how.. when we come to Him during our quiet time.. or just spending time with Him.. let it not be our own agenda.. because He has a much more important agenda for us.. and relying on Him for that.. just makes things falls into place..
I was asking God how do I forgive... and on my DD material.. it talks about forgiveness and how to forgive.. there was nothing much more clearer than this.. when we just rely on God.. amazing things happen..
went shopping with my parents today... (:
on my way home.. i was asking God.. what is the purpose of my trip here in Dubai..
He just dropped something in my heart..
this short break is to allow you to walk further later...
hmm.. (: well.. i didn't say anything else.. but smiled..
a weary smile.. but confident that my Lord Jesus Christ is with me through everything.. (:
all praise to Christ our Lord.. (:
violetjoy signing off~
10:16 PM
Thursday, August 21, 2008
God's beautiful reminder...
as i was sitting on the sofa.. outside overlooks a small swimming pool that no one swims in.. just then.. a little bird gently sat on the first step of the pool and started drinking from the pool...
God spoke clearly.. Even the birds do not need to worry about what they eat or drink because I take care of them.. what's more you, My daughter.. Do you trust me enough to let me take care of your life?
Matthew 6:25-27
25"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? 26 Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? 27Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?
it has been a great turbulent of emotional rides.. i wonder when will this stop... when?.... can i still trust God to take care of me through this?....
violetjoy signing off~
1:04 PM
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
God's healing process: Day 4
one lesson today...
my devotional material.. a proper defense...
if there is one thing that i hate the most, is being accused of something i never done.. i hate when it happens.. being falsely accused of it.. DD has put it really well.. it says 'such attacks on our character reveal how secure or insecure we are in Christ'... it continues with 'there would be no need to defend yourself if you knew that Christ was your defense'... how true..
really make me ponder and was reminded.. that sometimes.. when men accuse us.. we do not need to be so defensive.. because the more defensive we are.. it might even create more reason for them to accuse us..
following Jesus' example.. so many people accused Him.. never once did He open His mouth to retaliate.. never did He tried to defend Himself.. because He knew God is His defense.. similarly, we do not immediately be so defensive when someone accuses us, but rather, find out the root of it first..
one more line that really opened my eyes.. 'nobody tears down another person's character from a position of strength' which means.. they are hurting in some way or another too.. perhaps using this chance to find out where they are hurting would be more profitable than trying to defend ourselves..
one big lesson.. with sub-lessons for me to learn... mmm... (:
violetjoy signing off~
4:18 PM
Monday, August 18, 2008
God's healing process: day3
first lesson: finding courage
a long overdue reflection that i needed to do for the godly women conference.. i was doing it today... and there is one question that really made me stop and think about it.. How can i fully embrace my singleness and find courage to live a resolute life..
what made me stop and think is 'find courage'... the question could have been 'how can i fully embrace my singleness and live a resolute life'.. but it had that.. 'find courage'...
then i realised.. yea.. i don't have that courage to live single for God.. the world brings about many things that im afraid of.. and more than often, i often hoped for that someone to be there for me... and because i relied on this... i forgot i have that someone to be there for me.. that Someone is God Himself... yet more than often, the first person we think about, when we are in trouble is not Him.. or even.. the first person we have a good news to share about.. it is not Him too... whyy?... isn't God our first love.. isn't He the one that will share our happiness and problems.. why don't we look to Him.. i often am ashamed of myself because of this.. whenever i am experiencing something.. is it God that i look to first?.. most of the time.. no, untill it is really bad.. that is not good at all...
and if we look to God first.. more than willing.. i believe God will give us that courage to overcome it.. i have personally experienced it before.. the courage is amazing.. the courage is comforting.. it is not underlined with pride.. that 'hey, i think i can do this by myself' but that courage is rather 'hey! i can do all things through Christ who strengthens me! this is no problem for God.. i will just do it according to what He ask me to do.. the courage will be more than sufficient..'
that courage is something i need to go through this...
that courage is something i need to forgive myself..
that courage is something i need to forgive the people around me..
and i believe God will strengthen me!
second lesson: time to stop and look up
my parents were talking about the shades that they bought for their living room.. and through the days that i was there, i forgot to see the shades.. keep forgetting to remember to see the shades.. then today.. as i was sitting on the couch.. talking to eunice.. was feeling pretty down..
then i suddenly look up.. i finally saw the shades...
then God opened my eyes to another truth..
people would tell us so much on how God would help us.. how God would be there for us..
but God cant help until we ask for it.. God would send help the moment we call for help.. we just need to be humble and call.. and look up to Him.. He is just there.. we just need to look up.. if we are humble enough to look up and ask Him for help.. i believe He would come.. it is how amazing God brings comfort.. even by looking at the shades, i would comforted... (:
third lesson: remember to truly forgive
this is probably one of the toughest lesson He has taught me so far... learning how to forgive.. how to forgive myself... how to forgive others.. why forgiveness is so important.. because if we do not forgive others.. God wouldnt forgive us either.. so if we want forgiveness... forgive others.. God's forgiveness would flow from heaven.. (:
how to forgive myself?... i guess.. this is pride.. the pride that i think i am greater than God.. God is all prepared to forgive me.. why not myself?... yea... another eye-opening great reminder...
this day wasnt as fruitful... cuz i was busy with other things.. then i realised.. doing devotion in the morning (: is just beautiful.. spending time with God in the morning first.. before other things.. (:
putting God in the equation of life.. bring out more life.. (:
all praise and glory to Christ our Lord! (:
violetjoy signing off~
3:25 PM
Sunday, August 17, 2008
God's healing process: Day 2
day 2.. woke up.. super early.. since i slept at 1am.. and woke up at 8.30.. it is early okay! (:
anyways.. first lesson.. while i was doing my devotion in the morning and then writing an email to carol..
first lesson of day 2: willingness
how willing am i to let God change me?... during devotion.. this was what i read and learnt.. more than often.. i just said.. 'okay, im going to change' but i dont see myself really changed.. then i asked myself why... the answer came.. of course.. because we are still not willing to let God change us.. we are willing to change.. but are we willing to change the way God wants us to be.. that is another story.. then i realise.. more than often, we see that we are depressed.. sad.. upset about some things... God could have set us free when we asked for it.. but when we asked for it.. why is it that sometimes, we still feel the unhappiness...
i was stunned at this question.. at first.. then God opened up my understanding.. and said.. the setting free begins when we exchange it with the things that was making us sad and hurt.. if we do not surrender.. how is God going to set us free from it?...
then after that i thought to myself.. experiencing this for the past 2 plus years.. i have come to realised.. how difficult it is to surrender to Him.. how often, have i told God.. God i surrender my emotions towards this someone to you.. then few days later.. i was back to square one.. why.. i asked God why.. He gently pointed me back to the first point.. willingness..
are we willing to surrender and let go.. truly.. i was speechless.. then He asked me.. 'do you love me enough to trust me' 'do you love me enough to allow me to heal you of your hurt'... 'by mouth, you could say that you want Me to heal you.. but are you willing to let me heal you.. or do you still want to hold on to it?...
i thought long about it... and im still thinking about it.. because i do not want this just to be another empty big talk or promise to Him.. i really want to be serious about it.. so this day..
Dubai time: 12.30pm
God spoke again...
lesson 2: There is always a reason to be thankful to God about
as i was just walking in ikea with my parents.. i was listening to my mp3.. and the song that was playing was 'This is the day' by Hillsong Kids..
I see all that You've given to me
I just got to praise
I sing cause Jesus is living in me
And I´m so amazed!
Your love gave me a way to freedom
Now I walk in the light
You're all
All that my heart is seeking
Cause You´re great in my life
This is the day
My God has made
I've got a reason to celebrate
To jump up and down
And spin all around
To shouted hey!
This is the day!
It doesn't matter what I face
It doesn't matter what comes my way
I know that You care for me
So it's all right
Yes, so it's all right!
it never fails to let me see that God is the reason for life..
It doesnt matter what i face.. it doesnt matter what comes my way..
i know that God care for me... these three lines.. seems 'normal' but powerful...
whatever that comes my way.. God cares for me..
last lesson of the day: this would be a process...
somehow.. i guess God knew that i wanted to get over this really quickly... but He reminded me, that this is a process.. this is the beginning of many lessons to comes.. this is the beginning of maturing into another stage.. this is the beginning of learning things that i have never learnt before.. i am always impatient.. forever wanting things to be done quickly... but i really believe that God is really training my patience... i really stink at waiting.. be it waiting for people.. waiting for the bus.. waiting for the train.. waiting for anything and everything.. within 10mins i get really impatient...
this process would take months.. and even years.. i believe... it is not going to be easy.. any step of the process that i fail.. i really dunno what will happen.. but nonetheless, i would say that i would try my best to keep to the process that God has already planned for me.. not deterring any step..
the power of His love.. and His mercy over my life... i am just really grateful for Him...
end of day 2.. looking forward to day 3..
violetjoy signing off~
4:11 PM
God's healing process: Day 1 - 3 lessons learnt
on the plane... 2 experiences God allowed me to go through with Him...
then one more when i was bathing...
first experience: The reality of God...
God is real.. i guess after i gone through everything.. i forgot about God.. and the first thing He did, was to remind me of His presence.. remind me of His existence.. it brought a little smile to my face.. and tears started to roll down my face.. for the first time after a long time.. i felt His presence again.. i felt His love again..
second experience: assurance that God can give...
the flight we sat on... i could say was scary.. a lady beside me.. she had a cup of coffee on the table in front of her.. during the turbulence.. it was so bad till, it spilt all over the place.. i started to get air sick, giddy.. so i close my eyes and rested for a while.. then i saw at the outside of the plane.. and then i realised something.. though there were turbulence.. we were safe in the plane.. subconsciencely, during the turbulence, i felt safe.. then God dropped something in my heart.. He said.. similarly to the plane, when you are in my arms.. no matter what you are facing.. you are safe with Me... again, it added a little to that smile i had from the first experience.. and more tears... God's healing process was fast... before i reached Dubai, i learnt 2 valuable experiences already...
for the third and last one for the day: change of mentality...
it is amazing how God works.. really amazing.. i was just thinking about my third driving test, 1 Sep.. after failing twice.. i thought to myself.. this time.. what kind of mentality should i go with?..
a mind that, i passed already?.. or a mind that i sure fail... i thought about it.. then i believe God dropped it in my heart again.. He said 'go with a mentality that you will try your best.. '
then he reminded me of the issue i was facing.. then i asked myself the same question.. now that i have experience this.. should i distant away from him.. or continue to like him... the answer came to me... a real eye opener.. God said.. 'continue to love him... as your brother'... it has to be God.. no one else..
only the first night in Dubai.. God spoke powerfully.. i thank God.. as healing process continue.. i pray that i will be sensitive to listen to Him everyday!
All praise to Christ my Lord and Savior!
violetjoy signing off~
1:18 AM
Saturday, August 16, 2008
time to go 7 hrs away from here..
time to go somewhere where i don't need to face the hurt
time to go and allow God to heal me
time to go and prioritize my ministries... my responsibilities..
time to go and think through what i have done and what i have been doing for the past 7 months..
time to go...
violetjoy signing off~
10:53 AM
the pain has just started
today mark the beginning of a new yet familiar pain and hurt that i went through before... i thought i would never have to go through it again... but looks like i have to walk through it one more time.. this time, i dunno how long i would take this time.. i dunno if i can get through it.. but one thing im sure... i cant take it now... i simply cant... the same thing happened to me before.. i know how it feels.. it really sux.. why does it have to happen to me again...
finding it out today made all the more worst... but necessary.. it just made my dream came true.. i cried in my dream... i cried today... what else?... what is next?... more of these?...
im sick of it.. im sick of having to walk through the same path cuz i know how much it hurts... i took 3 years to recover from the first one.. how long would i take for this one?...
feeling betrayed and a whole sea of other feelings right now.. why am i the last to know?... why cant i know?...
why now?...
why?...
God... give me an answer... i really want to know what's going on....
violetjoy signing off~
12:29 AM
Friday, August 15, 2008
fear still grips my heart.. whenever i have flashbacks of my dream... however i want to not feel fearful.. somehow i still do.. but i am going to rely on His word.. if that dream comes into reality.. i want to be mentally prepared for it.. i dun wan to be affected by it...
but can i?...
am i strong enough?...
i am afraid that i wouldn't be...
but for Him.. i want to depend on Him for strength...
His peace never fails to give me the peace that i want.. the peace that no one can give me.. the peace that this world happens to give me just the opposite..
His love that just overflows... wow.. just amazes me..
i want to be ready to overcome it.. if it ever happens.. i want to be relying on His strength!
violetjoy signing off~
12:59 AM
Monday, August 11, 2008
it's monday (again)...
i guess there is one good reason why we must make full use of our days that we have on earth..
1/7 of our lives.. are spent on the different days.. 1/7 is not small... so what are we doing with that 1/7 of our lives.. like.. every monday.. what do we do?...
9 people in class today (:
im happy (:
counting down to hols.. 1 more day! (: tmr last dayyy!! (:
but wed got fyp meeting! argh! :( nvmm... one more day!! (:
then counting down to my flight.. 5 more days!! (: saturday!! (:
weee...
i think the difficult part.. is that.. i will be coming back alone..
i never done that before.. taking a flight on my own..
i would want to go through the experience.. but part of me.. is really upset..
not having my family with me?!... i just turned 19 a few days ago!
but i guess i gotta grow up...
i miss them already...
violetjoy signing off~
8:30 AM
Thursday, August 7, 2008
i wonder if a story would be able to describe what i am feeling.... i'll try...
as she steps out from the corner down the street where she was hiding the whole night, the rain drops drips on her face, damping her clothes and shoes.. she wants to run to a place to hide, but she is not sure where she should run to.. her usual hiding place has been uncovered by some mobsters last night, and she is afraid to go back into the dark alley..
the cold wind brushes through her cheeks.. people walking past, staring strangely at her.. she needs to get away from here.. but where?... as she tries to remember where she once belong.. she faintly remember happy moments.. glimpsing bright lights.. hearing faint laughters in her head.. where did she come from?...
as she started to walk alone.. the street lights gets dimmer.. the crowd got lesser.. cars going past her quickly without noticing her... where is she heading to?...
suddenly there is this bright lit candy store, and it was filled with children of all ages with an older adult with them.. are they called.... parents?... she wasn't sure..
but she sure knows the smell of candy attracted her... and she glued her face onto the glass wall of the shop.. her stomach growls.. she remembered she havent eaten for days now... oh.. how she wish to have just one small sweet from the shop.. she thought.. perhaps i could just take one from that big bowl.. just one small one, nobody would know...
she quietly sneaked in.. squeezed through the many kids.. and as her eyes were locked on that big bowl of sweets, she saw one that she really liked.. a small round red sweet... as she saw all the other sweets being grabbed by the other kids.. this little sweet just sat there, it was like it was waiting for her to take it.. she slowly reached out her hand and took it, then suddenly a tall huge man grabbed her by her hand and started shouting... he lifted her off the ground and started to shake her really hard, she was really scared.. was it wrong to take that sweet?... what was it called?.... she once remembered, someone telling her.. was it stealing?... she wasn't sure..
all the other kids turned around and stared at the commotion.. she turned red.. the man took the sweet from her and pointed at her, still screaming.. she didnt know what the man was saying, but he looked angry.. as she slowly turned away.. another man with a trench coat walked in, gave the huge man, what seems like a coin, and gently took the sweet from him.. he guided her out of the shop and kneeled in front of her..
out on his palm was that red sweet, a little crumpled, but still attractive to her.. the man looked at her, with this familar smile.. a smile that the girl thought she has seen it before somewhere.. but in fear, she took a step back... the man came closer to her this time, leaving a little more space in between.. and he stretch out his hand with that sweet.. she just stood there, she didnt know what to do..
the man gently took her hand, put the red sweet on her hand, closed her hand.. and she firmly held it, not wanting to lose it again.. the man stared at her for a while and he quickly took out a note from his pocket and handed it to her also.. all the girl heard was 'be safe'... what did it meant? she wasn't sure........
violetjoy signing off~
10:42 AM
there is something in my spirit that i need to say it out...
but i dunno what it is... argh.. it is frustrating..
it's like almost there.. but.. not there... arghh....
until i find out what it is..
i gotta continue praying about it...
violetjoy signing off~
8:36 AM
i have come thus far..
19 years.. wow...
my last year of having a '1' in the front of my age..
(: ydae was nice (:
woke up at 9am...
edited the IA video till 10plus.. went to bathe..
then went out for a nice lunch with my parents at crystal jade (:
after that started shopping in IMM.. bought some clothes, and most importantly.. wei jian's cd!! (:
yeayea!! it is finally outt!!! (:
im happy!! (:
after that went home, carol came over.. best friend (: did a little of IA video.. then started playing games.. hehe.. (: after that, went over to westmall for sakae dinner (:
after that went home to cut cake.. and open presents.. hehe..
i feel like a little girl, who is really blessed..
my god-parents bought me all orange stuff.. hehe (:
my fav of all, is the orange casing they bought for my laptop (: weee!! (: sweeet! (:
witha orange mouse and an ear piece..
mr. seanie and steven bought me coaster (: not normal coasters.. but really cutee coaster with a mousey coaster holder (:
little ms. carol bought me a flower key chain and a zippy bag.. full of zips.. hehe.. (: i like it loadss (:
angeline gave me 2 notebooks.. (:
audrey sent me a note (:
sister bought me a wallet that i wanted.. really sweet of her (:
and earliest person who gave me a present is eunicee (:
an orange purse (: (: niceee!! (:
yea!! (:
it was a wonderful day.. a day that only comes once a year.. and moments that are once in a lifetime.. (: i treasure them all (:
im a happy little Daddy's girl..
oh ya.. as i was looking through all the presents.. i thought to myself.. so what did God give me as a present?... (: and as i looked at my friends who stayed behind for a little while to fellowship with me... it is them that God has blessed me with and more.. all my brothers and sisters in Christ.. everyone that has crossed paths with me.. they all have been lovely people in my life.. (: and i thank God for all of them.. (:
now back to school.. last 3 days of school, not counting today (:
though 2nd fyp is coming up... though more things are coming up.. with God being with me.. i can handle all things (:
1 more semester to graduation!!! (: (:
violetjoy signing off~
7:40 AM
Monday, August 4, 2008
how often do we wish for others to love us as much as we love them?...
and how often do we result in just us giving, most of the time and not receiving any, and end up finding ourselves tired out...
and how often do we want to be loved and be of some worth in people's eyes...
how often all boils down to self-worth...
how much do we see ourselves.. and what do we see ourselves as?...
people-pleaser? or a child of God..
getting this straight, how do we go about being one?..
when we are desperate for love and perhaps even attention from someone..
who do we turn to and what do we do?..
do we turn to our friends, get the latest clothes in line, coolest gadgets in town, to just gain that few moments of attention on you...
or do we turn to God, during our quiet time with Him.. getting the strength from Him.. getting the love from Him..
what would we do?...
in order to love others, we need to understand what is love...
the world has changed the perspective of love greatly and sadly...
yet everday the world has a new definition of love...
but in one place, the definition of love will never change..
in one book, the definition of love stays the same 2000 years ago, and it will stay the same 2000 years after..
it is the Bible...
1 Corinthians 13: 4-13 (ESV)
4 Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant 5 or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; 6 it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. 7 Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part,
10 but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.
11 When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.
12 For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.
13 So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
the Bible gives a clear definition on love.. teaches us how God defines love..
giving us so much details on God Himself, because God is love..
1 John 4:16 (NKJV)
16 And we have known and believed the love that God has for us.
God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him.
(NIV)
16And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.
God is love.. and children of God bearing the qualities of God.. we are empowered to love too.. love like how the Bible defines it simply because God is with us..
1 John 4:19 (ESV)
19 We love because he first loved us.
this is probably on of the few verses that is exactly the same be it what versions you are reading from.. because it is simple enough..
it is simple to understand.. we have the ability to love because He first loved us.. (:
God loves you and me (:
it took be 4 years, till now.. to understand the love of God.. and im still learning more about it each day.. His love and grace abounds so much...
the love of God.. brings life to dead..
the love of God.. brings power to a helpless..
the love of God.. brings hope to the hopeless..
the love of God.. brings abounding love to the loveless..
the love of God.. brings grace to all man...
Praise to Christ our Lord..
violetjoy signing off~
7:58 AM
