Tuesday, September 30, 2008
i really miss them... being so far away from them... make me really miss them a lot.. now whenever i go out.. i see families together.. i really wish i had mine with me.. the feeling in me is so horrible.. every time i have a bad day, i always look forward on going because because i know there is where i know at least i am happy..
now.. going to an empty house.. seems pointless.. studying now.. made it all pointless.. i used to do well, for my parents.. to make them proud, everytime i went home with good grades.. but now.. once a week perhaps, they check on me, with the same questions.. i miss my mum reminding me to do my RJ... and for the first time, i actually forgot to write my RJ...
not liking the silence in my house at all... i try to blast music 24/7.. but it is still silent in me...
i really miss them...
i really do...
violetjoy signing off~
8:17 PM
Monday, September 29, 2008
knowledge is all the truth in my head... but that doesnt mean im wise..
wisdom is the application of knowledge..
how wise i am will not be determined by how much knowledge i have in my head..
but how i go about living my life..
right now.. i guess im just foolish.. falling into all the devil's lies.. getting unhappy, sad, depressed, frustrated with God.. wondering if God is messing with my life.. is He just fooling around with me.. but i know in my head that all these are lies.. and the wise thing to do is to apply the truths that i know in my head and put it in my heart and actions..
God loves me.. i know He does..
i dont need a guy to fill up that space.. because i know even if there is such a guy, it will not be filled up.. only God can fill that vacuum..
only God can make me smile..
God loves me..
Do i really love Him?...
i guess i need to re-evaluate myself on this...
Thank You God, for speaking through one of your servants again..
violetjoy signing off~
9:52 PM
She missed talking to him
She missed going out with him
She missed waiting for him
She didn’t want to fall for him
But so coincidentally, after so many months
Her heart realized that she had fallen for him…
violetjoy signing off~
11:35 AM
it speaks straight from her heart
Once again, her heart aches
Longing for the warmness of the heart
She sees him, no longer the one she fell in love with
She sees him with her
When news came to her
It was far too late
There was no way to salvage anything
All other options were cut off
She wish she knew what was it
That made her fall for him for so long
She wish she knew what was it
That made her heart skips a beat every time she saw him
She really wished she knew…
But she knew it was over
She wished she knew how to let go
Because she is feeling horrible in her
She has to smile and pretend that everything is fine and well
When she knows clearly
Everything in her is a total mess
She asked God what was happening
But shuts her ears to His reply
She is frustrated at what God is doing in her life
She wondered what would happen next
Will she survive through the days
Suffering should make her rely on God more
But why doesn’t it seems to be happening
Her helpless cries resound into the darkness
Her hopeless tears rolling down her cheek
She wish that by the time she open her eyes again
Things will be alright…
But she is wrong…
violetjoy signing off~
7:50 AM
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
these 2 months was a roller coaster month for me.. these 2 months would have been perhaps the lousiest month in my entire 19 years... but rather than looking at the things that totally pull me down..
looking forward to a new start.. and walking away from the past..
i wana thank God for the things that He blessed me with..
life.. every breath i take, is filled with His merciful grace, that allowed me to live..
my best-est best friend that God gave me.. Carol! (: she has been a dear dear precious sister of mine.. and she has been there through everything for me.. and i'm so grateful for that.. (:
my good friend (: Eric! (: every time i need a listening ear, he never fails to be there to listen.. thanks friend! (:
my best best guy-friend (: Sean! (: never fails to cheer me up as well.. and rebukes me in love when im wrong.. only a true friend would do that (: thanks so much, Sean (:
my mentor.. Sabrina, she never fails to give me a good advice, whenever i'm down and out.. and she never fails to point me back to God ultimately reminding me of His great love.. (:
my 'mentee'.. she never fails to bring a smile to my face.. and i really thank God when i see her grow in God.. (:
my Beloved cell members.. every single one of them are so wonderfully made and specially placed in Beloved.. (:
my studies.. every grade i ever gotten in RP, has been all given so graciously by God.. and i praise God for the wonderful grades that i am getting... and even though how much i really dislike going to school.. i still find the strength to wake up 6am in the morning and drag myself to school.. (:
my family.. although they are far away.. this made me learn how much i must treasure them.. and made me learn to be more independent too..
and the list goes on..
the love of God overwhelms me.. (:
the beauty of God leaves me speechless (:
all praise to Christ our God, forever..
violetjoy signing off~
6:48 PM
Monday, September 15, 2008
Pre-Chorus1
Faith is all that we need
God, grant us faith to believe
Chorus
by faith i'll walk
by faith i'll follow
no matter where you ask me to go
by faith i'll run
by faith i'll see
the love that you have for me
Pre-Chorus2
not within the measures of a man
sounds impossible, but God, He can!
havent been able to come out with a verse for a long long time now... will i be able to?... hmm...
violetjoy signing off~
7:40 AM
Thursday, September 11, 2008
wow.. the pain is more than i can bear..
violetjoy signing off~
11:48 PM
starting well is not enough.. would i end this year well?...
everything that i once hold on to, has been taken away...
everything that i once believed have been shaken..
would i still end this year well?...
in front of me, i see a path, not easy to walk.. then i see God by my side, asking, urging me to walk this with Him.. He didn't promise me a smooth journey, but He promise me that He will be there for me no matter what.. should i take that step? i didn't see many people taking this path, but those that did, were happy.. though they had cuts and scars on their faces and body, but they still continue to walked, however they do not walk alone.. they walk with God..
then again, i could walk that wide path that everyone else is walking.. that looked easier to walk.. so many other people walked this path.. i wonder where it will lead me to.. people looked pretty happy walking that, but within their faces, i could see something missing in them.. i wonder what?..
then God said.. 'before you walk, let me carry your bag for you, so you do not have to worry about them.. carry my bag, I'm sure you can manage it'.. in my bag, are my studies, hopes, dreams, hurts and tears... what is in God's bag?... i wonder..
now I'm stuck here.. on one hand, I'm willing to go with the Lord.. on the other, I'm really tired of walking.. would i take His hand and walk this difficult path set before me?... would i have the strength to?..
i once sang a song.. forgot the exact lyrics, but it said, whenever You will lead me, i will follow.. can i sing that once again?... will i be able to submit everything to Him again?...
this morning, i sang,
You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
what is the meaning of all in all?..
is God really my all in all?
have i made God everything that i need?
hurt can destroy a man..
love can brings life..
lies can ruin trust..
truth can set one free..
am i set free today?.....
violetjoy signing off~
7:45 AM
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
ignorance is a bliss..
unrequited love hurts..
nothing lasts forever..
why go through the hurt again and again...
violetjoy signing off~
7:56 PM
Monday, September 8, 2008
The pain of leaving something/someone you love for quite some time, is torturous. A few years back, after I got over my sec 3 ex-boyfriend, I promised myself not to walk down this path, but just last month, I found myself back on this familiar path. This path that leads to 2 possible endings… one, a path that walks back to God, depending on God more and emerging stronger, but a road more difficult to walk, narrower. The other, much wider, easier to walk, but a road that leads to destruction and death, an eternal separation from God. At this crucial time, which am I going to choose… life or death?
As tempting as death might sound, as tempting as run away from all these might sound to me right now, this is definitely not the desire of God. There are much more that I need to learn, much more temptations that I need to walk away from, much more hurt and pain that I need to go through in order to be healed. Much more faith in God to believe that he had empowered me to go through this.
God led me to this sermon podcast, by Mosaic, ‘resilience’… one of the most powerful sermons perhaps for me right now… the one part of your life that you don’t allow God to deal with, is the part that God wants to deal with. And God might say ‘we cannot do it, without pain’ how to achieve the power of resilience without experiencing the pain, losses, failure. Understanding the true meaning of resilience, one would realize, you cannot gain resilience from peace, but only in storms. How fast do we bounce back from hurt, failure. And how we choose to respond to it would determine how resilient we are.
As much as I want to bounce back quickly, I can’t. I don’t know what is it due to… unforgiveness? Bitterness? I have yet to discover, but I will… in time to come…
The pain continues…
violetjoy signing off~
11:18 AM
